so long

Life in Berkeley is nothing like it was before. Life is nothing like it was in Madrid either. I’m still not sure where I fit into the equation of my life or what my life will be like tomorrow or the next day. Familiar people and places don’t feel the same anymore. I keep searching for ways to return to the past, but it fails.

I keep digging myself out of traps that I lay for myself to keep me busy. Having time on my hands is great, but its pressurized situations that keep me on my toes and feel as though I’m accomplishing something. And now that the comnpuslary studios are done and I have spare time, I’ve discovered how much of life I’ve missed out on. Its no wonder I had no social life to speak of outside of architecture and the radio station.

But getting back to the point, the fact that I’ve been setting traps for myself lately. What kind of traps you ask? The kind of traps that could snag a bear in the blink of an eye or lure dozens of delectable crabs into a cage to be scooped up, boiled and devoured by yours truly. And as I know my weaknesses better than anyone else, the traps are even better.

There’s always the procrastinate as much as possible and then spend 6 hours straight writing a paper until 3 in the morning only to get up at 7 to open the library because a friend asked you to cover their shift. Or the accepting another job that could have you up at 6 any day of the week, depending on the flakiness of your volunteers. Or giving yourself 30 minutes or less to program 3 hours of music. These are the easy traps. Adrenaline and coffee take care of them. And what a rush it is and a feeling of accomplishment there is!

The more cunning traps are the ones that a lack of sleep can’t fix. They’re the ones that coffee can’t help. The kind of traps that require irish coffee. And I willingly wander directly into them. Its like the time I had a crush on my instructor. Nothing was ever going to happen, and yet I pined. Silly Megan. It kept me distracted though. I could keep my head in the clouds, working on a problem that could never be solved rather than dipping into the real world. Or the time I crushed on someone way out of my league (see a trend?). The fantasy and inexistent chase was way more fun than everything else that was going on around me.

My new favorite trap is keeping me from thinking about the beginning of the rest of my life. Opposed to the beastie boy’s suggestion of going west- I’m looking east. Forget looking for a job or looking into grad schools, or paying back loans. The only thing I want to think about is looking for an apartment in New York. Like the dream of Madrid last winter, the dream of moving to New York keeps me moving- albeit, in place, but at least I’m going through the motions.

Which brings me to this: in 3 weeks and 2 days I will be in New York for CMJ. The day after I return is the day I turn in the final paper for Anaya Roy’s class. The 8-week seminar I still haven’t bought the reader for. It’s a tocho for sure (colloquial Spanish for a heavy textbook- very vulgar and one of the least useful words I learned there) I smell a trap!

So what have I been up to these days (other than laying traps)? I was a vegetarian for a month, just to test myself. I’ve been sleeping a lot when I don’t have to wake up early. Drinking more than I should. I know all the specials around town. Pining for things beyond my reach. Getting nostalgic about my past life- craving mojitos from Underwood and guiness from Molly Malone’s with Marco. Losing my bag and phone and going to concerts. Spending money I don’t have on things I don’t need. Swimming on beautiful autumn days and cleaning.

(keith of we are scientist at the filmore- trap? maybe. distraction? quite possibly. goodtimes? most definitely)

It’s a nice existence and would be even better if I could remember where I hid my ipod and my sanity. They’re most likely the bait in a trap I’ve laid somewhere in San Francisco.